Biscuit and Nutters
by Kitty Sensei
Summary: This is the story of two unlikely friends, Biscuit the Smoker and Nutters the Hunter, and their lives as special infected. Not only must they deal with the stress of survivors, the crap from the other infected, but each other.
1. Pilot

_Biscuit and Nutters: Pilot_

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><p><strong>AN: Been a long time since I wrote anything. College has been hell and I decided maybe I should get my mind off it once in a while. What better way than to start a new series?**

**Welcome to my wonderfully awful fan fiction of Left 4 Dead (+ L4D2)! This is the story of two unlikely friends, Biscuit the Smoker and Nutters the Hunter, and their lives as special infected. Not only must they deal with the stress of survivors, the crap from the other infected, but each other.**

**This series is written as though it were a cartoon or comic. As in often exaggerated, and visually silly action wise. The rating is M due to mature language.**

**A pilot chapter will be released (which is this... duh). If popular enough (as gets reviews), I will continue this mini-series.**

**Thank you, and enjoy!**

**Xoxo, Kitty Sensei**

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><p><em>*Cough*... *Hack*... *Wheeze*...<em>

Sounds escaped from a raspy throat and into the moonless night of the swamp. The ground was dampened by a rain that would come and go. Fireflies lit the air and buzzed past heads of the undead. Commons roamed the small little town of wood cabins and murky waters filled with alligators and God knows what else.

_*Hu-HAAAAAAAA...*_

Slithering up the porch of an abandoned home was a long and slimy tongue, still attached to the grumpy special infected. He rest both elbows upon the wooden railing and stare out into the dark woods. In his grimy fingers he held a freshly lit cigarette. If there was only one good thing that humans left behind in the world, it was some good ol' fashioned nicotine. Bringing it too his lips, he inhaled deeply, but still could not tell the difference between this smoke, and his own that emits from the pores of his body. He sighed before taking a long drag, and let the treasure work it's magic in making him feel better addiction wise.

Another uneventful night. No action, no hilarity from watching the common. They were lame after they got bored swatting at each other. What use were they? All they did was stand around with idiotic expressions and a mouth full of multi-colored drool. Not to mention they were messy slobs that puked practically fifty times a day, and they puked more than they ate.

The smoker grunted, hating his duty as look out more and more. Then again, it was peaceful. Quiet, relaxing. Nothing could possibly make this night-

_*grrrrrrrrrrr~*_

A deep growl in the distance took him out of his mind for a second. The smoker straitened up and narrowed his eyes, focusing out in the distance.

_*Clickclickclick~*_

It was getting closer, he could swear he heard nails scraping against wood too. Was there a cat around or something? Couldn't be. He was pretty sure they ate all the animals in this area. All except for the alligators pretty much. Damn those water demons.

_*Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr~*_

This was getting annoying, and the smoker clenched his teeth ready to snap at the being responsible.

_*Click-*_

Closer.

*_Click-*_

Closer.

_*Click-*_

The cigarette butt fell from his hand as he turned in a 360, greatly upset. "That does it!" He growled, "I'll give ya-" _*Cough*_ "to the count of three! One! Two-"

"_RAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR!"_

A loud thud right in front of him threw the smoker off balance, causing him to stumble back and land smack into the rocking chair behind him. He sat down with a loud huff and blinked, trying to see through the thick clouds in front of him. Soon, the silhouette of a squatting figure could be made out. He stare at it, and it stare back. The figure tilted it's head to the side and lowered itself closer to the ground. It carefully placed one claw in front of the other, approaching the smoker with caution.

Finally, the air cleared enough for him to make out that it was, none other than, a hunter. The smoker frowned, very upset that this guy had no respect and came crashing in. However, this particular hunter didn't look like he was from around here.

Instead of the normal, dark blue hoodie, this one wore a burgundy colored one. The strangest part of his get-up was the tiny pink button in the shape of a bunny's head over his right breast.

The smoker spiked an eyebrow, staring down the hunter who must have been staring back. It was hard to tell since his eyes could not be seen from under his hood.

All was quiet, neither of them spoke. "Uh.." The smoker muttered, and then proceeded to clear his throat. He stood up slowly, and just as he was about to straighten up-

"_RAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR!"_

"FUCK! GEEZ!"

"HEY! SUP! HEY!" The hunter screamed at the taller infected, and then smiled a goofy, sharp-toothed grin. The smoker did not respond, and so the hunter took this as a sign to continue, "I'm Nutters!"

"Yeah, no shit." He replied, turning back to the railing and reaching into his pocket for another cigarette.

Nutters made some clicking sound deep in his throat and climbed up on to the wooden railing, staring down the smoker. "No, that's my name! Cool huh! Know why that's my name?"

"I have a faint idea."

"Because I love peanuts!" Nutters responded, lifting his right leg and scratching the back of his own head feverishly, as though he were a canine.

"Well better than my guess-"

"So what were you like before!" The hunter was quick to change the topic.

The smoker really didn't feel like conversing with this moron, but the more he answered, the closer he would be to getting this guy to leave him alone. Or so he figured. "I dunno, I was a nobody who smoked and ate meat, mashed potatoes, biscuits-"

"HEY! Hey Biscuit!" Nutters shouted, making the smoker flinch.

A small awkward silence. The smoker glared at him, "Pardon?"

"I'm gonna call you Biscuit! AND WE'LL BE BEST FRIENDS!"

"Look crazy ass, I'm not-"

"WANNA SEE ME CATCH A FIREFLY?"

And before he could respond, Nutters hopped away with a growl that initiated the start of his new hunt. Biscuit, huh? So that was what he had to deal with? Not cool.

From behind him, he could hear the gargling and groaning of a very familiar college. He turned to see Brian, the head boomer around here. He wore frameless glasses and a green stripped tie that made him appear as though he were pro-slytherin house. The big man made his way to the porch, giving the smoker a small smile before lifting a clipboard.

"So, I see you met the new guy."

"Is he for reals? Nutters?"

"Well, we kinda gave him that name. Dropped on his head when he first changed."

"Figures."

"So, Biscuit-"

"Aw come on man, you know that's not my name."

"Hey, the kid seems to take a liking to you. He wouldn't talk to anyone else."

"Yeah, probably because everyone else avoids him."

The boomer ignored this and looked down at his clipboard. "Well you have the honor of showing him around, get him used to his post."

"Wait, are you telling me he's been assigned to MY unit?"

"Oh gosh will you look at the time? I best be going! Gotta make sure the jockey twins don't startle Wanda on purpose!" As fast as he could, Brian spun around and hurried off despite the weight of his bloated body.

Biscuit watch him leave, very upset with what he has been stuck with. It was then a loud thud from behind him made him jump. He spun around quickly to see Nutters sitting on the railing with his mouth shut and face content.

"...Well? You catch any?"

Nutters said nothing at first, but then smiled as wide as he could, revealing a bright and glowing mouth from the many fireflies he had caught.

Before Biscuit could say anything, Nutters' nose began twitching slightly and his back began arching.

"Ah.. AH.. AH! CHOO!"

He should have seen that coming, but of course, not soon enough. Biscuit was now taking the blow of a missile of fireflies being launched at his face. Buzzing and hissing rang in his ears and all he could see were bright lights as he stumbled back a bit. He signed, bringing his hands to his face to wipe the bugs off.

Through his glowing vision, he saw Nutters beginning to clean himself like he was a cat.

Biscuit sighed, reaching into his pocket for another cigarette, but then realizing he had none left.

He sighed, accepting his fate.

"This is going to be a long, LONG, undead life..."

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><p><strong>End of episode 1!<strong>

**Future possible episodes:**

_Biscuit and Nutters: Alligators_

_Biscuit and Nutters: Poker Night_

**Stay tuned!**


	2. Alligators

_Biscuit and Nutters: Alligators_

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><p>At the crack of dawn, it was time to get to work. But was Biscuit enthusiastic and more than willing to assist his fellow infected? Not one bit.<p>

Morning in the swamps was never bright and pretty. It wasn't waking up to birds chirping and flowers swaying in the wind. It was more like, gray ash replaced the blue sky. Amphibians or whatever annoying creatures out there moaned rather than birds making any sounds. Trees were fallen over and the once lived in shacks were falling apart board by board.

Biscuit stood on a wooden dock, peering out into the moss and disease infested river before him. He spat his finished cigarette from his mouth and watch the butt fly out and make a tiny splash in the water. His spine cringed a bit as he covered shaky coughs with a free hand. In the other he held a clipboard. Raising it to his face, he skimmed over the names of the new recruits. Grumbling, he turned around and finally faced them.

"Alright guys-" He cut off when he noticed their lacking attention spans.

Stella, the spitter of the group, was manicuring and fixing her nails from the file she extracted from her torn hand bag. Her dark eyes were glazed over with boredom, burning acid dribbled from her always open mouth and killed off the grass at her feet. She ignore not only her instructor, but the two laughing idiots that play next to her.

Jack and Jill are the infamous jockey siblings. Aside from usual jockeys, Jack wore a loose black bow tie that hung around his neck while his sister, Jill (Biscuit didn't think it was possible for these things to come in female), wore a torn pink bow in her thinning hair on top her head. They were laughing like the stupid little hyenas they were and pushing each other back and forth.

The smoker growled with impatience, slamming his clipboard down onto the wooden dock. That caused the three new recruits to flinch and look up at him. "Are you bastards just about done?"

"Damn, what's you deal?" Stella slurred. Whenever she talked, more acid poured from her mouth than it did when she was silent.

"I don't want to be here. And neither do you. So let me get through this shit and you guys can go kill yourselves." Biscuit snapped at her.

"What's yer hurry!" Jill giggled, her body trembling with excitement.

"YEAH." Jack chimed in, "We're just having some fun-"

"There is _nothing_ fun about this place." Biscuit glared at each of them. With his free arm, he gestured to the environment around them. "Even without humans around, we've got to be on our toes. That's why I'm hear talking sense to you morons."

The smoker bent down to pick up his clip board, coughing during the process. He straightened his back and started reading the instructions on the paper.

"First of all, everyone, under NO circumstances, approach our dear friend Wanda. She's the only witch in this area." He glanced up and pointed behind them. There, several yards away stood a small shack with a barrel holding fire lighting up the front of it. "Thats were she lives a majority of the time. Do not approach Wanda, do not talk to Wanda, and DO NOT touch Wanda."

Stella raised her hand. "What happens if someone touches Wanda?"

"I'm glad you asked." Biscuit walked down the dock a little ways and picked up a gray bag that was tied closed with a rope, it was resting in a boat. The smoker began undoing the knot, while walking back to rejoin the group. "Remember Steve? The new smoker that was supposed to be here this morning with you guys?"

His students nodded. When they did so, Biscuit opened the bag and revealed to the the gruesome contents it held inside. "He touched Wanda."

"HOLY SHIT!" The jockey twins shrieked in fear and held on to each other.

"I think I'm gonna be sick.." Stella mumbled, turning away and holding her stomach, trying her best not to vomit.

Biscuit closed the sack and tossed it back on to the small row boat. When it landed, the new infected flinched when they heard the squishing noises it made.

"Moving on." Biscuit told them casually. "Next, there is the matter of Tiny Tim."

Jack tilted his head. "Is that another witch?"

"No. He's our tank." Biscuit replied. He looked to his right and pointed at the steep hill not far from where they all stood. "He lives up there in that cave. Made it himself." Biscuit looked back to his students. "Tim doesn't normally talk to us. He'll walk around sometimes. Just don't make eye contact for very long. If you have to report any humans to him, tell him quickly and clearly as possible, then get out of the way. Tim doesn't mean to kill us, but once he gets going, he doesn't really pay attention to who is in his way."

The infected newbies exchanged glances with each other before looking back to their instructor. "One thing left to cover that could possibly kill you here." Biscuit narrowed his eyes and stare each of them down. "Whatever you do, stay out of the water."

"Why's that?" The twins asked at the same time.

Biscuit reached into his pocket and pulled out a fresh cigarette. He lit it before bringing it to his lips and taking in a deep breath. Just as he opened his mouth to respond, a violent scream shook the night.

Two violent screams to be exact. One, high pitched and banshee like, came from none other than the deadliest infected in the area. The second screaming came from none other than the nutcase she was pursuing.

The group turned and spotted them just as the door to Wanda's shark burst open.

"GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEE!" The witch shrieked at the top of her lungs, swatting at the hunter who was doing all he could to escape her wrath.

"CRAZY LADY CRAZY LADY CRAZY LADY!" Nutters continue pouncing as fast as he could. "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOOOOOU!"

Wanda raised one long, bloody claw and swung it at him just as she got close enough. The hunter screamed in fear and used all the strength he had to pounce over the group of spectators and fly over the river. He didn't make it to the other side. Rather, he landed on a fall log that cracked loudly under his weight. He spun around, nostrils flaring, wanting to see if she would follow after him.

The infected watching all moved out of Wanda's way as she skidded to a halt before the water. She clenched her hands together and began quivering, shaking her head back and forth violently. "LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALOOOOONE!" She screeched, bringing her hands up to cover her face. She soon spun around and ran off. The common infected that were too stupid to get out of her way were either sliced or knocked to the ground, or both. "GET AWAY FROM ME! NOBODY LOVES MEEEEEEE!"

Her screams eventually faded along with her. Stella and the jockey twins continue to stare after where Wanda had run off too. They were rendered silent, even as they glanced over to see the smoker's reaction.

Biscuit stood there, jaw dropped in udder shock as to what just happened. The cigarette had long fallen from his mouth and died out on the ground. Slowly, he raised a single hand, and brought his palm to his face. "Son of a bitch.." He murmured. This smoker, was definitely now letting anger sink in. Of course, it was Nutters who would skip out on this briefing, and it was him, of course, who would be the one to startle Wanda.

Slowly, the smoker turned and laid his eyes upon the culprit that still sat out in the middle of the river. Nutters perked his head up when he saw Biscuit glaring at him, and smiled that stupid, toothy smile.

No words were exchanged between the two of them.

Slowly, Stella was the brave one to step forward, and raise a shaky hand. "So, why DO we stay out of the water...?"

Biscuit did not look at her, nor did he have to be the one to answer her.

Suddenly, an unknown growling caught the newbies off guard. From around the mossy river bend, ripples broke the still surface of the water. Spikes, hovering above the surface, began gliding their way towards the unsuspecting idiot that stood a top the log. The foreign being went under the surface.

Seconds went by, and no sign of it.

It was then a large splash appear right behind the hunter, From it, emerged a large and violent looking creature that none of the students had ever seen before. It roared with fury as it opened it's mouth wide, revealing rows of sharp teeth. Before it brought it's body down to slam the log, Nutters turned around and looked up. His jaw dropped in horror as he let out a scream and leapt away as fast as he could. Fallen tree to fallen tree he hopped. As he neared the docks, more of these creatures seemed to be popping out of no where, all snapping and going for the hunter.

With one last push, Nutters forced his legs to pounce himself on to the dock next to the river. He fell over on his side, panting like crazy and tongue hanging out.

Biscuit did nothing but shake his head. He then raised he hand and knocked on the sign the stood next to the group.

_DO NOT FEED THE ALLIGATORS._

"That's why." Biscuit concluded today's meeting.

Stella, Jack, and Jill all looked at Nutters, who they just noticed, had passed out.

They figured they would have too, if they had that much adventure in one morning.

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><p><strong>AN:**

**Another chapter? Contain your joy.**

**This wasn't spell checked. Do forgive me.**

**Becoming a fan? Submit topic ideas for future chapters! Just a topic, not sentences. Like, 'Shopping', and maybe I'll get inspiration from that and that will be the name of a chapter. That's just an example. I don't know what I could do with 'Shopping' at the moment.**

**Also, I am writing another L4D fan fic separate from 'Biscuit and Nutters'. A more serious one, featuring a favorite couple of mine. Stay tuned if you want.**

**Xoxo,**

**Kitty Sensei**


	3. Valentines

_Biscuit and Nutters: Valentines_

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><p>Was it too much to ask for? One night, <em>just one<em>, where Biscuit could enjoy some peace and quiet. Of course, that was never possible.

The smoker lay in his designated run down shack, rocking back and forth in a hammock strung up with rusty nails. Light was streaming through the holes in the walls. This morning, might be different. It was oddly quiet, too quiet. Biscuit didn't allow his eyes to completely close, but oh they wanted to.

Back and forth.

Back and forth...

Biscuit decided to give in, this once. However, right when he made the decision to close his eyes, that was his first mistake.

_SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!_

A loud pounding followed by the sound of a chainsaw being used caused the smoker to flinch in fright and get tangled up in his hammock. It took him a few seconds before he struggled out of it a fell on to the dirty ground with a thud.

As he stood up, the construction continue. What could possibly be being built this early in the morning? He was a little skeptical about finding out, but he knew it had to be done. Unfortunately.

Biscuit put on the familiar frown he seemed to wear a lot more these days, and stomp across the wood flooring and throw open the door. What he saw before him, made his mind kick itself inside. He did not know whether to feel disgusted, or horrified. A mix of those two emotions actually sounded a bit more accurate.

Before him was the main building in which the infected called the Dining Hall. An old bar with broken windows, turned tables, and a still working jukebox. Dangling from the roof was a bright pink sign, and red words painted on spelling out "HAPPE VALENTINES D"

Nutters was hunched over the tail end of the sign, paintbrush in his mouth trying to finish off the last word. The smoker let out an involuntary (as smokers can't help it) cough which made the hunter look up from his work. Of course, Nutters smiled his stupid grin and took the brush from his mouth. "HEY BUDDY! What's up?"

"What's up?" Biscuit replied. "WHAT is UP? Well let me tell you, there is a hideous and disgusting piece of shit hanging above our dining hall."

The hunter blinked, looked at the sign, and back to him. "It was Stella's idea. She says this Valentine thing day is like.. Where a naked baby flies and... Kills people with arrows or something... And there's love!" He paused for a second, now taking notices of Biscuit's angry expression. "Why? What's wrong with it?"

"Everything. This is a stupid human holiday which should be forgotten and disposed of. I hated it, even when I was alive. Take it down or-"

"Oooooooh my gooood." Stella's voice came from behind the smoker. He turned around to see her carrying a box of pink, white, and red party streamers and an assortment of other heart related things. "Is there anything so wrong with love?"

"Completely-" Biscuit was soon interrupted by the sound of drilling. He looked back up to the roof to see the jockey twins bolting a flat, wooden heart to the sign. "Should you guys even be using power tools?" His eyes wondered over to Nutters. "And _you, _you spelled 'happy' wrong, Nimrod."

The other special infected all stare at the party pooper, not liking his attitude. Stella put down her box and spiked an eyebrow at him. "Biscuit, did you even love anyone when you were alive? Like, at all?"

Biscuit glanced at her. "Okay, first of all, that's not my name. Second of all, no. Why would I need it?"

Just then, all of the infected gasped.

"What! Not even yer Mama?" Jack shouted down at him.

"Maybe he didn't have a Mama..." Jill whispered to her brother.

"Sis, everyone has a Mama. They meet a Daddy and then an alien comes with a small seed and shoves it in the Mama's tummy and she gets a headache and her head explodes and there's a baby's egg then the baby hatches. _Everybody _knows that."

"...You're a fucking idiot." Biscuit muttered after Jack's lecture on the 'birth of a child'. If the smoker wasn't such an angry guy, he probably would have given the jockey props on his creativity.

Stella shook her head. "That explains why you're so bitter."

"Hey, I am not bitter!" Biscuit snapped at her.

"You kind of are." Nutters called from the roof.

The smoker glared up at him. "You, shut up." Before he was about to turn around, he double checked the sign again. This time, the E in HAPPE was crossed out and fixed with new letters, now spelling HAPPI. "And again, spelled wrong."

"Listen, just relax. Let today be a day where you appreciate everyone around you who fights beside you and supports you. No one deserves to be alone." Stella told him. She reached down into her box and pulled out a tattered rose. Even thought it was a fake flower, it still looked passable. "Which is why I was thinking maybe someone should give this to Wanda."

Biscuit stared at her as though she escaped the looney bin. "Are you INSANE?"

"OH OH OH!" Nutters waved his hands in the air furiously. "I WANNA DO IT!"

"NO." The smoker growled at him, looking up at him. He frowned when he saw the sign again. This time, the spelling went from HAPPI to HAPPIEZ. "Seriously, give up on spelling and get down from there."

"I was thinking you should do it, since you're like, out teacher or something." Stella offered the rose to Biscuit.

"What? Fuuuuck no. I'm not going near her."

"Just drop it in front of her and leave." Stella told him. "I feel really bad for her."

Biscuit folded his arms across his chest. "Nope."

The jockey twins and Nutters pouted and stare down at the smoker. "Come oooooooon." They all whined.

The smoker started backing up, wanting nothing more than to return to his shack. "Screw you all. There is absolutely no way in hell that I am going to risk my life over a crazed, violent bitch-"

He was cut off when his back pressed up against something raw and funny smelling. It wasn't his shack, for it didn't feel like wood. The smoker narrowed his eyes, confused as to what stopped him. He raised a hand and pressed it against the surface. It felt like some type of hard flesh, and immediately, Biscuit feared the worst. Slowly, the smoker turned and looked up, fear settling in. He was looking up at none other than Tiny Tim.

The tank was panting, and looking down at the smoker. His tongue was hanging out and drool slobbered from his deformed mouth. The other infected do nothing or say nothing. Biscuit was on his own.

Tim slowly began lowering his head, closing the distance between him and the smoker. "Me thinks skinny man give flower to pretty witch lady."

Biscuit let out a shaky, sarcastic laugh. He took one step back, slowly to make sure no sudden movements set this guy off. "Tim... I respect ya pal, but I'm not giving Wanda-"

"TIM SAYS GOOOOOO!" The tank roared and raised his fists in the air, bringing them down swiftly.

Biscuit gasped and jumped back, falling back on to his butt just as Tim slammed his fists down into the dirt where he once stood. The smoker scrambled away in fear. If he were human, he probably would have crapped his pants. "FUCK! OKAY! OKAY! I'M GOING!"

He was now willing to do anything to create some distance between him and that gorilla. Biscuit slowed to a walk as he approached Wanda's little home. He reached down with a free hand and brush the dirt off of his pants. The smoker stood before the door, hating everything. He took in a deep breath and reached out to grasp the door handle.

Biscuit inched forward, opening the door as slowly as possible so it didn't creak loudly. "Wanda...?" He whispered, stepping inside.

In the corner of the room with her back facing him, Wanda sat with her hands covering her face. She rock back and forth, whimpering softly to herself. Her whimpering would turn into sobs, and then became soft again.

This was the worst idea ever. It was either death by Wanda, or death by Tiny Tim. There didn't seem to be a win in this situation for the smoker.

Biscuit gulped. "Um.. Wanda?"

The witch let out a small gasp and whipped her head towards him. The crying began to turn into panting. Her shoulders were hunched forward and shaking.

"Wanda, Wanda please I can expl-" Biscuit tried talking, but it was doing no good. She was starting to get up on her feet, and her panting starting to turn into screaming.

"You.. YOU. GET... GET OUT." Wanda's red eyes fixated on him in a death stare. She was ready to jump him. Like a ticking time bomb, she was going to explode any second now.

"Uh... UH." Biscuit was terrified, and kicked into a sudden defensive mode. There was only one thing that came to mind. He threw the rose down at her feet and spun around. "HAPPY VALENTINES DAY." He huffed and sprinted out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

Wanda hissed, her arms raising to be ready to hit the door open. She took in a deep breath to let out a chase scream, and just as she took one step, she stopped. Wanda growled and whipped her head down, and spotted the rose that Biscuit had left behind. Her body was still shaking with anger as she lowered herself back on to the ground, picking up the rose with a bloody claw. She turned it in her fingers, looking up at the door and back down to the flower.

She was a witch, the most violent creature known to the remaining human race and her fellow infected, and she was just given what humans would consider a token of love.

Wanda wasn't sure what it meant exactly, but the present sure was pretty.

In that small moment, the witch stopped crying and started smiling.

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><p><strong>AN: Say whaaaaaa? Possible BiscuitxWanda! I don't know. Probably not, but I had to keep in the spirit of a certain day coming up.**

**Hehe, Happy Valentines Day! (Or in my current case, Happy Singles Awareness Day!)**

**xoxo, Kitty Sensei**

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><p><strong>BONUS!<strong>

**Biscuit and Nutters series fun fact #1:**

**Biscuit and Nutters are the only special infected whose names don't match up with the first letter of their type. For example, Stella the Spitter. S is for Spitter. Tiny Tim the Tank. T is for tank. You get the idea. I like fun facts! I don't know if I have any more at the moment but I'll let you know if I do!**


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